August: the greatest month of them all, for at least three reasons:
1. The Galway Races.
2. Football returns on telly.
3. It’s National Water Quality Month in the USA.
Okay, some of those are pretty lame (here’s looking at you, National Water Quality Month), but we saved the best for last. The best thing about August is…
… holidays!
Wahey! Holidays in August are like the Black Plague in medieval Europe: everyone gets a whack.
Of course, schoolkids, politicians, and all those other slackers get time off. But August isn’t just for the dossers and layabouts – the most honest hardest-working people in the nation get a break, too.
As enshrined in the UN Declaration of Human Rights, Article IV, Clause I.II,
“August is the Builders’ Holidays. Specially designated as “the holiday for the people in the real world”. The Construction Professionals. The people who actually make real things, solid things you can touch. Houses and schools and hospitals and all the good things. These people deserve a holiday, too, goddammit, and August is their time!”
August, then, is a happy month for all those in the construction industry – a month filled with fun and laughter and sunshine. At least in theory…
But have you ever stopped to ask yourself: what do all these different construction people really and truly actually do during their holidays?
Our research[1]
At enormous expense, +AddJust have carried out an exhaustive survey over eighteen months, involving over 27,750,000 construction professionals and twelve continents. In the survey, we asked builders what they do on their holidays. We asked them where they went, with whom, who paid, if they enjoyed it and would go back again next summer, and – most importantly – whether they are putting it down as a legitimate business expense or not. Then we grilled architects with the same questions, often for hours. Engineers, project managers and surveyors we next, oh yes! We spared none of those bast—
Whoops! We spared none of those brave people, I meant.
Having gathered all this data, we spent months compiling it in neat little Excel spreadsheets, making beautiful piecharts in 7 colours, and Venn diagrams and came up with all sorts of conclusions and recommendations. And then…?
[1] Some [or all] of this is not entirely true.
Our conclusions[2]
Then we chucked the lot in the bin. Look, reports and conclusions and everything are great, and everyone knows the importance of good data, but for truly insightful insight, you can’t beat gut instinct, blatant stereotypes, and making things up on the fly.
So, that’s what we did, and here it is — our definitive guide to what construction professionals get up to during the Builders’ Holidays.
[2] This bit is all true.
Easy as ABC…
A is for Architect:
July 31st: Decides enough is enough. No more trying to educate clients in aesthetic matters. No more pushing fancy ‘building forms’ on people who wouldn’t appreciate it in a million years anyway. From now on, they’ll make their own life easier and just cut-and-paste bog standard house designs.
August 1st: Heads off on an intensive three-week workshop on the Greek island of Kos, or Santorini, where the local branch of the Secret Architect Institute teach them the latest techniques in driving everyone else mad.
Key modules include:
• How to change everything, all the time.
• How to specify unobtainable materials and make it someone else’s problem.
• Getting what you want in the end.
• Spoof like Corboof: New lingo you need.
• Curved walls: why your client needs them.
• Circular windows: why they won’t “make my house look like Noah’s Ark.”
• Special Guest Lecture [Limited Places Available!] Report on Flat Roofs Survey in Damp Countries: “Almost 25% of flat roofs have leaked less than twice in their lifetime.” (Kindly sponsored by the Bitumen Manufacturers Coalition)
Luggage: Swedish-designed rucksack full of leatherbound notebooks for sketching things that inspire them, (even if they know deep down that white render walls, tiny windows and flat roofs they love just won’t fly with clients back in the old rain-drenched homeland).
August 31st: Rejuvenated and inspired, they have spent the last week of August flat out in their studio, changing every project they can to flat roofs and tiny round windows. Feck it, the clients will just learn to love it.
B is for Builder:
July 31st: Goes for a feed of fourteen pints with his workers, before heading straight to meet the wife and kids at the airport the following morning.
August 1st: En route to sunny Spain, with bucket, spade, and seven suitcases stuffed full of cash. For what? Canny property investments? Not a bit of it. For swimming in. Empties money into pool with fellow builders. Swims all day in pool full of money. Spends money by night. Stays in Spain until the money runs out (typically three to seven days later).
August 31st: Revving the engine in the van by 5:30am, having spent the rest of the holidays back home in the kitchen, supping mugs of tea, annoying the hell out of his wife, catching up on invoicing, and anxiously looking at the calendar, longing for August to be over so he can get back to doing what he does best. Build things.
C is for Civil Engineer:
July 31st: Stays in the office to finish off some calculations and send several emails regarding the next few weeks of work on various projects. Arrives home to discover that tomorrow is August and nothing will be done. Curses the fact that this same thing happens ever year. Tries to retract sent email. Gets a thousand or so out-of-office replies. Curses more. Gets distracted by a popup ad for a new type of 3D printer. Spends next three hours researching 3D printers. Takes out calculator. Does sum. Throws down calculator. Denounces 3D printing machines as waste of money. Picks up calculator. Works out payback period for 3D printer. Throws down calculator. Denounces 3D printers as waste of money. Sends email to architect wondering if they have got a 3D printer yet like [rival architect]. Gets instant out-of-office response. Curses and leaves office.
August 1st: Flies… through lighter-than-usual traffic to the office. Yes, you see, engineers never rest. They don’t believe in holidays, being so content with their daily lives that they prefer routine to heat and holidays. A typical August day will be some along these lines:
AM: Meetings. Telephone conversations with 3D printer manufacturer helplines. Meetings about meetings. Phonecalls about rescheduling August meetings for early September. Lunchtime meeting.
PM: Rush out of lunchtime meeting to…
2:30 teeoff time.
Evening: Post-tea reading of a report on Recent Developments in Stormwater Pipe Sizing Techniques. Replies to bizarre email from QS.
3am: Nightly panic attack about that undersized beam they designed as a tender graduate.
3:50am: Falls back to sleep, having been comforted by rereading Appendix IV of their insurance policy. Dreams of 3D printer.
August 31st: Stuck in heavier-than-usual traffic. Remembers what day it is. Remembers what that means: routine is back. Smiles.
Q is for Quantity Surveyor
July 31st: Works until reminder pops up on phone. Sees date. Frowns. Leaves office. Buys birthday cake and flowers for wife at petrol station. Equally distributes the precise number of candles on top of cake. Doesn’t understand lack of gratitude.
August 1st: Begins to reorganise the filing system for the filing cabinets. Following success of system, implements same at the office. Signs up for intensive courses in auditing, self-auditing and how to program calculators. Thinks of more exciting careers like actuary, dentist or policy claims clerk. Shivers.
Leaves office in afternoon to play golf with engineer. Dismisses 3D printer as frivolous. Nonetheless spends evening working out fourteen efficient methods to pay for 3D printer in theory, using a MS Excel Pivot Table and several macros. Sends spreadsheet to civil engineer.
Augst 31st: Spends the day rigorously doing time trials using new calculator. Compares speed to last year’s logged results. Makes sad face. Puts new calculator in drawer, along with all the other new calculators. Takes out trusty calculator used since secondary school and does warmup finger exercises.
P is for Project Manager
July 31st: Finishes last set of meetings on overrunning projects at 1am. Has lost voice from screaming down the phone at people who sound too relaxed.
August 1st: Month-long break in India.
Day 1: Hair replacement therapy.
Day 2: Stress management workshop.
Days 3-12: Yoga retreat, to be followed by…
Days 13-31: Mindfulness and meditation retreat.
Chance encounter with another project manager at the wheatgrass juice bar on Day 5 leads to work talk. Immediate onset of panic attacks at the immense amount of work building up while away from the office. Rushes to room. Packs before going to front desk to cancel remainder of holiday. Fights over no-refund policy. Admits defeat. Vows to take anger out on project stakeholders. Takes next flight home. Spends remainder of month tweaking Gantt charts, trying to schedule meetings, and ignoring both invitations to play golf and the pain in his chest and left arm.
August 31st: Starts calling people at 6am. Left eye seems to have a strange cast to it.